At the moment in preparing to share in the festivities of my daughter's imminent wedding, I was awakened by a question for myself this morning; "what am I wedded to in this life?".
I have ideals, values, beliefs, needs, habits. But this is about something deeper- something asking me to look at what I'm living for through examining how I'm living.
Rather than look at routines, relationships or possessions- an interesting variation is to look at one's life as being wedded in any given moment to qualities of being. I love this idea because it shows us in a much more dynamic, fluid state of flux- but can also allow for the recognition of qualities we may have embodied over years or perhaps even lifetimes.
Standing one rain and wind swept July afternoon on the isle of Iona, the deepest essential qualitative nature of my being came through like the peeled notes of the abbey bell tones across the silence of the road I was on. Without judgement, I observed that openness-receptivity-love-and a visceral experience of eternal oneness were all qualities I was being after 4 days alone on this island and in relative silence.
These qualities not surprisingly were exactly conducive to finding myself completely awake and present to the many gifts in the moment.
The peace I felt emotionally was like bathing in a warm ocean. Sweet, blissful joy.
Later that day however, I listened deeply again- and this time I could feel myself in resonance with the qualities of longing, need, and uncertainty with respect to a relationship I was pondering. Not surprisingly my experience was one of unease and preoccupation with wanting to fix something. Then came the useful question "what are the antidotes to these qualities which I'm allowing to rob my being of its natural peace?
Almost at once I could feel that acceptance, gratitude, and trust would bring me home again.
I want to be clear here that this wasn't an exercise in aiming to be virtuous or good. Virtues can connote a kind of moral high ground where one is attempting to emulate a desirable attitude. Qualities are accessed by a subtle tuning in process as in calling on the energy of a living attribute to take up residence within us as us. This simple process of asking permission for a qualitative shift requires only willingness. There is no external manipulation of outside elements. It works because it releases resistance by first allowing it and then asking for balance to be restored.
So, as it happens, for the last few days I've been wedded to the qualities of abandonment- woundedness, and despair, for reasons I won't go into.
Rather than spiritually berating myself for being "weak" or for letting my ego's small separate voice reign supreme, I sat in meditation and at first simply allowed myself to feel the fullness of each quality. I especially noticed how deeply invested my emotions were in keeping me there. Slowly, I started to breathe into what I heard would help-- the qualities self-love, forgiveness, and detachment-- calling on each one as you would a trusted friend.
The storm still rages outside, but inside my day is different now. Being wedded at my core to all things that bring healing and promote new growth means becoming symbolically engaged over and over to going with cycles of change. Where there's resistance there's pain. Where deliberate surrender is, is where the breath takes us- not to a place of passivity, but rather to where there is freedom.
